It’s been a faith journey for Josh and me. We have found the adoption process a lot harder than expected and see how it has not been an easy solution to our childlessness, but rather a calling to more. A calling to more sacrifice, more heart stretching, more waiting, and more pain.
It is very challenging for me to stay in the present and not focus on future fear. It can start with a panic about paperwork and before you know it I am fearing for the worst- what if the joy of finally getting our child is tainted with a failed match, financial ruin, or the child is in NICU for months with withdrawals from drugs. Is the joy ever going to come? It’s a real struggle to choose faith and remind myself of who I am and most importantly who God is.
I read a quote from Tim Keller in a devotional this morning that reads, “The only person who dares wake up a King at 3:00am for a glass of water is a child. We have that kind of access.” Do I believe that God’s heart is good towards me...that He hears me...that I’m not bothering him for the hundredth thousandth time when I ask him to help me up? But His ears are not dulled to my cries for our long awaited child.
As I write I’m reminded of Luke 11:11-12: “What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent., or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more then will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask for him!”
When we ask, He responds by giving us the greatest gift- Himself! Emmanuel. God with us. I pray for faith to rise and continue taking my questions, fears, and longings before my good, good Father. That despite appearances at times, He has us in this faith journey and remains faithful, good, and true in all His ways.