Parenthood has always seemed like something that just happens and comes with marriage. Getting pregnant and having children seems like the next step. Never in a million years did we think infertility would be our story and that the “trying” would look like this. When initially experiencing anxiety about trying to get pregnant, I (Kara) heard so many times, "you just need to relax and you will get pregnant" or "just adopt and then you wait and see you will get pregnant." We tried to conceive for over a year and then found out Josh could never father children biologically. There was no hope for us to get pregnant. We were told medically that I should be able to get pregnant, so we pursued intensive fertility treatments to increase my chances at conceiving. I cannot express how alone and isolated we felt in the brokenness of our story.
Although our community and family were so supportive, I couldn’t help but feel shame and deep, deep sorrow. It seemed like everyone around us was announcing pregnancy and being in our current stage of life we now felt so singled out in childlessness. There were emotional triggers everywhere and it was so easy to fall into bitterness. For a season we were both bitter but most evident was that Josh and I were grieving the death of a dream; the death of how we thought our story would look like. Josh had sensed God calling us to adopt much earlier than me. I heard his gentle spurring and invitation to pursue adoption but honestly needed to grieve and keep trying.
My good good Father, husband, and our community were so patient with me in my wrestling, in my doubt, and in my questions. After 3 years of trying (much with medical assistance), God changed my heart and desire towards adoption. As Josh and I let go and took hold of what God’s plan has always been for us, we experienced such peace and unity between us. Prior to stopping fertility treatments, we initially thought if we had to adopt it would be as the “backup plan” or plan B for our family. We can honestly say that that adoption has ALWAYS been THE plan for us and God has singled us out for this purpose and for this child. Personally, I can see and testify to His faithfulness and the sufficiency of His grace to us both during this continued journey of waiting. I know our hearts have been stretched and strengthened in this season of suffering, but to get to the place where we welcomed adoption with eager and joyful hearts is simply miraculous and could only be His workmanship! Ephesians 2:10: “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”
I truly see God binding up the brokenhearted and bringing beauty instead of ashes (Isaiah 61:1-3). We believe these truths also for our child as adoption only happens when there is great brokenness and loss. We wait now with great hope for this long awaited child who is already so deeply loved and longed for.